For new and new-ish moms: it’s okay not to get dressed and do your hair, among other things
Last week, I hit a wall. I posted about it on Facebook. Here’s a slightly abridged version:
“So this is a confession,” I wrote, “Since L was born and I began working from home, I have not been good about doing hair and makeup, getting dressed in something other than yoga pants and a t-shirt, and even showering before lunch. And for a long time, that was just how I needed to be. But this weekend I just hit a wall about it. I realized I am tired of looking like I make no effort. I am tired of t-shirts. I miss makeup and well-styled hair. And big earrings. And perfume. And since I have given up running for walking, I can work out without ruining hair and makeup. Anyway. What may have been the final straw in something that was already brewing was the haircut I got last Thursday. It has to be washed and blown dry daily to look like it’s supposed to. And then, Friday, I put on some new Jamberries and got dressed in JEANS and went to a conference. And I felt good. I felt like ME. So I sat down and worked out a new morning routine. And today, it all HAPPENED. Last night, when I went to bed, I took a deep breath and put my phone (with the alarm set) on the other side of the room. When it went off at 5 a.m., I got up, because there was no option of rolling over and hitting snooze. I made coffee, studied Scripture for half an hour, and then blogged in blissful silence until 6:30. By then, E was out of the shower, and I got in. L got up, so I turned on Daniel Tiger and gave her her morning Nutri-Grain bar and juice, and finished my hair and makeup. I got her dressed, and we were out the door. It was 7:45, people, and I felt like I had accomplished ALL THE THINGS. Can you comprehend the SHEER MAGNITUDE of this? I feel GOOD. Better than I have since mid-2012. Because clearly, I CAN DO THIS. I CAN BE NORMAL AGAIN. Praise Jesus.”
Yes, I spent almost every day of 2.5 years in yoga pants and a t-shirt, with my hair in a ponytail and no makeup or jewelry.
And friends, I needed the freedom to do that. I was in an ongoing state of New Mom Survival Mode. I was just barely making it through each day.
If you have ever birthed a child, you know what I am talking about.
The rest of you, the Blissfully Naive, you are probably thinking, “New Mom Survival Mode lasts 2.5 years? Really? That is utterly ridiculous.” Oh, and I know there was an eye roll in there, people. Don’t even try to pretend there wasn’t.
The truth is, for most mamas, New Mom Survival Mode doesn‘t last 2.5 years. Some of us work outside the home, and we are forced to pull ourselves together and put on a show 8 or 10 or 12 weeks post-partum. Others have way too much pride to go out in public looking less-than-stellar (I am not one of these, clearly). Still others come to grips with Motherhood much more quickly.
For myself, I claim General Life Upheaval (moving cross-country with a newborn, leaving my friends and family) and the fact that I started working from home for my 2.5-year-long hiatus from All Things Feminine. I simply didn’t have to take care of myself the way I did before L was born – so I didn’t. I let myself be. I let myself sleep as late as possible on mornings when L had been up three times in the night. I relaxed my standards. I worried more about getting something written in my journal or on my blog, and about getting a little exercise, than about putting on makeup. There also may have been a bit of PPD in there at the beginning, which I eventually worked through.*
I also could not get into my pre-L wardrobe, and frankly, I didn’t want to go on a shopping spree to replace everything. Gradually, one trip to Target and one Stitch Fix at a time, I replenished. There was a letting go process somewhere in there, I’m sure. I tried not to ponder it too much. And now, at almost-40, I just want to be gentle with myself. I am trying to take more satisfaction in what my body is (healthy) and what it can do (walk a brisk three miles and feel great afterward) than what it looks like. Because it will never look 25 ever again. But I digress.
Here’s what I’m getting at: life is rough on a new mama. Life does not stop just because you have a baby. The regular hurdles keep coming, like moves and job changes and health challenges, to name just a few. We have to cope with all of the same old stuff, with poopy diapers and three a.m. bouts of croup thrown into the mix. It’s a LOT.
And so, if you can, take whatever time you need to adjust. Relax as much as you can. Give yourself daily grace. If great hair and makeup and good fashion need to take a back seat for a while – even if that while is a long while – it is OKAY. You will come back, I promise. You will surface from your deep dive into the Ocean of Motherhood. You will hit a wall at some point – maybe in 10 weeks, maybe in 3 years – and start to care about these things again. You will miss sparkly earrings. You will miss lip gloss. You will want to feel like the Old You. And when you go looking for her, you will find a glorious New You who is altogether more in every way than the Old You, because Motherhood has done its transforming work. And that, friends, is holy work.
When that day comes, call me. I’ll meet you for a pedicure and an eyebrow wax.
Love,
Harmony
P.S. I still wear yoga pants almost every day. Business on top, comfort on the bottom.
*Note: This post does not mean to downplay the seriousness of Postpartum Depression, a disease 15-20% of women suffer from. If you think you may suffer from PPD, tell your physician, or reach out to a PPD support organization, such as Postpartum Support International.
Photo Credit: Maria Carolina Canejo. License: Creative Commons 2.0.
