The Discouraged Church Seeker, Part Two: When There’s No Room for Who You Are

Tuesday I began a three-part series on the struggle to find a home church. In Part 1, I discussed the conundrum of having to become members before you can get involved in community. Today, I want to unpack our disappointment with membership requirements that don’t fit who we are, where we are, and how we live.

In order to become a member of Church X, you have to sign a covenant agreeing to do four things in addition to making a statement of faith:

You have to serve on Sundays in one of four areas: parking, hospitality, tech, or kid ministry. This explains why I saw the women I met at the large-group study dressed in the church logo t-shirt “service uniform” every Sunday. Week after week. It also explains why the parking lot, vestibule, and sanctuary aisles are literally choked with people in church logo t-shirts. We’d been wondering why there were so many people on duty every week. It became clear: every member served every weekend in one of these four areas. As I mentioned in Part 1, there’s no women’s ministry. No men’s ministry. No prayer ministry. Because they like to “keep things simple.” What, I wondered, about people’s spiritual gifts? Their passions? Creating a church wherein service feels like thriving? Personally, I do ministry all week long with The Glorious Table, which I love and believe is what God wants me doing right now. But by the time Sunday rolls around, I am desperately in need of a Sabbath rest. And on top of that, the four limited areas of service available at Church X do not line up with my spiritual gifts (note that the pastor never mentioned spiritual gifts in relation to serving at all–he cited Ephesians 4:11-13 as the reasoning behind serving, but for whatever reason ignored 1 Corinthians 12-14, which discusses the gifts we are given to use in service). Give me an opportunity to serve in women’s ministry or a prayer/intercession ministry? I’m all over it. Ask me to stand at the door and greet all the guests every week or change diapers in the nursery? Not so much. I’d go home drained. I want to use my spiritual gifts. But I want to use my spiritual gifts. The ones God gave me. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

You have to agree to give ten percent of your income to the church. Now, I don’t have a problem with this per se–it’s biblical principle. But we give a large percentage to the wider or universal church (as opposed to the local church) through various ministries we believe God has presented to us over the past several years. Are we supposed to just drop those commitments? Give more than we can afford because the church demands a certain percentage from us? Our financial contribution is something we decide through Spirit-led prayer, not because of a certain party’s demand.

You have to invite people to church regularly. We just moved here a relatively short time ago, and we have limited circles in which we move. I work from home, E works in an office setting where he is expected to respect the separation of church and state, our kids are not yet in public school, and the people we do know well are happy with where they already attend church. Now sure, if I met someone who expressed an interest in faith or Jesus or visiting my church, I’d invite them. I’d do that anyway as part of the gospel. But as the Holy Spirit leads, not as the church has me sign on the dotted line. And then there’s the other problem–if I do invite someone to Church X, I’m limited to do anything much beyond that, because you have to be a member to get involved in a small group. It’s a cycle. “Come to my church–oh, but hey, you can only stand in the foyer. Or maybe sit in the living room. No kitchen table for you unless you sign a covenant like me.” Yikes.

You have to participate in a small group. Again, I don’t have an issue with this per se. Small groups tend to be rich environments where the best kind of authentic community happens. But what happens if a family enters a season wherein small group life isn’t the best thing or needs to give way to make room for other priorities? I agree wholeheartedly with encouraging small group participation, but there are times when people need a break simply because life happens. There has to be room for those seasons. Of course, getting into smaller community is what I’m after, because I know its value. But if this one opportunity is contingent upon meeting the rigid requirements of the other three attached to it? Houston, we have a problem.

In sum, I don’t have an issue with any of these expectations from a theoretical standpoint. It’s more the order of things and the limitedness (legalism?) that leave me discomfited. There just doesn’t seem to be room for us as a family–our existing commitments to the broader church, our unique gifts and passions, our life.

I’m reminded of what I call The Grace Equation. Meet Jesus+Love Jesus=Desire to Serve and Tell Others About Jesus (or rather, our faith inevitably produces good works, not the other way around).

He just welcomes us in, embracing us where we are and how we were made, and we become servants and disciples and sharers of the gospel out of our love for him.

Church membership shouldn’t be a gate that keeps people on the fringes. Nor should it be a one-size-fits-all box everyone is expected to feel good inside.