In which I turn 39 and make some kind of attempt at a pre-milestone birthday life assessment…

I turned 39 last week.

I spent a few days at the end of our vacation with my dad, and at some point, he asked me how I felt about being one year away from 40. I took a moment and thought about it, as honestly as I could on the fly like that, and I told him I feel fine. Good, actually. No problems here with entering the final year of my 30s. He chuckled and said that he said the same thing when people asked him about turning 60. Overall, we agreed that life gets better as you get older. I’m not worried about wrinkles or grey hair or the fact that I probably wear yoga pants too frequently, because I’m just too busy living, trying to focus on the joy.

I went back and read my post about turning 35 (I haven’t written a birthday post since then). I was amazed by how much has changed in four short years – and by how much is the same, too. I’m still a writer-who’s-working-on-it, although I’ve come a long way in that area. It’s still hard to believe that I’ve actually written a whole novel that is now in the second draft stage. I’m still a Christian who feels like she’s spiritually crawling on some days, leaping and dancing on others – and I think I will probably still be that when I’m 80. But I’m also a wife of three years and a mom of two years, things I struggled to imagine at 35. I live in a city I never considered living in prior to meeting E, and I’m about to move to another city I never considered living in – a city where we will probably have our first house (albeit a rental, at least initially), which is beyond exciting. I’m over the moon about the prospect of having a yard for L and a garage for E and hopefully a home office for me.

Life at 39 is exciting and draining and funny and fun, mainly thanks to L. I’m waaaay more tired than I was at 35 because of her (she still only sleeps through the night about one night out of eight, unfortunately), which makes it harder to be a runner, so I’m more of a walker now. I tried to push myself hard at the beginning of the year, and I just didn’t have it in me, so I’m learning to find ways to exercise that honor my body and give me energy but don’t leave me feeling defeated – like walking and yoga and riding my bike. Mostly, I like to walk in the early morning, when the sun is just rising and the air is cool and damp on my skin. It’s not just good exercise, it’s spiritually restorative. And although I’d like to get back to running at some point, walking is just who I am right now. And I’m pretty much okay with that.

While 35 was about waiting in so many ways, 39 is the opposite. It’s about growth and change and the joys and rhythms (as well as the challenges) of having a family. It’s about defining the meaning of home. It’s about love over self, but it’s also about deeper self-acceptance, a process I think probably continues throughout our entire lives. Finally, if recent events are any kind of indicator, I think 39 is also going to be about being broken more deeply for God and for the people He loves.

All of this is good.

So – I’m happy to be 39, because I’m happy to be where I am, and 39 is simply where I am.

Mercy & grace~

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