10 Questions to Help You Avoid Burnout
Last week I wrote a post on taking time for yourself, and how it’s not a selfish practice, but a healthy one that enables us to be better versions of ourselves. In the few days since then, I feel like I’ve heard an outcry. It seems that for many women, especially working moms, the problem isn’t necessarily feeling guilty about taking time for themselves, it’s about the fact that they can’t find time for themselves. Their days are so overrun by work, family, school commitments, and household tasks that they’re going strong from sunup to well after bedtime, trying to make it all work. Me Time? they say. What’s that? And how do I get some?
One friend said this: I am the kind of person who isn’t at the bottom of the “list” – I don’t even put myself on the list most the time. Three children, a full-time job, a husband, a house, and all the things that come with those seem to take top priority. So my first resolution is to put myself on the list.
The reality is that the average woman is so busy being a wife, a mom, and an employee (or two of the three) that she struggles to find time to be anything else. She eats breakfast on the go every morning, considers a shower to be alone time, and has a stack of unread books on her nightstand that have been sitting there for longer than she can remember, because she’s too tired to read them when she finally tumbles into bed at night.
Her days go something like this: Wake up before the sun rises. Hurry to get ready for the day before kids are awake. Get kids up and ready, making sure everyone has breakfast. Pack lunches. Take kids to school. Rush to work. Power through the day, grabbing whatever she can find for lunch. Pick up kids from school. Supervise homework while making dinner. Clean up kitchen. Attend kids’ sports or other events. Tumble into bed exhausted so she can get up early and do it all again the next day.
Does this sound familiar? Do you have so much on your plate that there’s no time left for you, and you’re at a loss as to how to change that? Do you feel like your life is a treadmill on a set speed, and you’re out of breath, hobbling along as fast as you can, trying to keep up?
I have to admit, I don’t know of any simple solution for this. But I do know that working moms today are experiencing burnout (google “mommy burnout,” and you’ll get about 200,000 hits), so we need some tools to help ourselves get off the treadmill, or at least slow it down.
With that in mind, I have some questions for those of you on the treadmill. I’ve been where you are, and I’ve asked myself these same questions. As a result, I feel like my treadmill runs a little more slowly these days, and I manage to get off it regularly. But here’s the thing: answering these questions is likely far easier than putting practical solutions into play. We’re wives and moms. Most of us find it far too easy to feel guilty. A lot of us feel like we shouldn’t complain about our post-Feminist Movement ability to “have it all.” We feel like we shouldn’t require help doing it all. Many of us have mothers who worked while we were growing up, and we think, “If my mom managed, I should be able to manage too.” Maybe, though, we should be asking our mothers if they were happy and fulfilled, and if they were, what was the key?
Anyway, here are my questions:
Can you say “no more” to something? You know that extra thing you committed to that you don’t really love, that PTA group or room mom assignment, that team leader role at work – can you end it? If not right this minute, can you foresee an appropriate time to bow out gracefully? If you can, plan your exit strategy now. And make a mental note not to re-commit in the future.
Can you say “no” to new requests for your time? Do you have a people pleaser personality? Do you crumble when someone gives you the “but-you’re-the-perfect-person-for-this-and-we-really-need-you-and-no-one-else-will-do” speech? Develop a polite speech to give in return: “I’m so sorry. I’d love to help you, but I’m afraid I’m just overcommitted right now, and I really don’t have the capacity to take on anything new.” Practice in front of your bathroom mirror until you know it by heart. And then use it.
Can you trade time with a friend or neighbor? Trading Me Time with another busy mom can be a great strategy. You simply take turns caring for each other’s kiddos at scheduled times (could be after school, could be on weekend mornings, etc.), freeing each other up for a break. I know some moms who do this on a weekly basis, and they say it works wonders. The kids generally entertain each other, which makes it easy for the mom in charge, and the free mom gets some much-needed time off.
Can you get some paid help? I know women who have regular help – yes, paid help – and I think they are smart cookies. Some have a bi-weekly or monthly cleaning service. Some use Peapod or another similar service to cut down on time spent grocery shopping (they shop online and then pay a nominal delivery fee, or to avoid the fee, they just pull up in front of the store at an appointed pick-up time, and someone brings out their groceries and loads them in the car). One friend pays a neighbor’s teenage daughter to come over for an hour after dinner three times a week to watch her kids and help them with their homework while she goes for a run. There is no shame in getting help.
Can you ask your husband to step up? Some women – and most men – inherently believe that the care of the home and children is the woman’s responsibility, but that’s a value from the time before women entered the workforce. In our culture today, it really takes two to run a home and raise the kids in a way that keeps everyone balanced. Can you have a heart-to-heart with your hubs about your need for a little Me Time, and come up with a few concrete ways he can help you get that time (men respond best when we give them a specific list of options, by the way, rather than just saying “I need help,” and leaving it open-ended). Can he take over dinner one night a week? (If he does, and his choice is McDonald’s or pizza, smile and think of what you’re getting in return!) Can he do carpool duty a few days a week? Kitchen cleanup after dinner, homework supervision, laundry?
Can your kids do more? Chores are a valuable parenting tool. They teach kids to respect and value their home and what it takes to maintain it. Are your kids helping out around the house, or are you doing it all? Can they clean up the kitchen after dinner, help with laundry, do some of the housecleaning? I’m not talking child labor, here. I’m talking about everyone pitching in together to care for the family home. According to the Center for Parenting Education, we actually do our children a disservice when we don’t ask them to share in household tasks.
Can you settle for less-than-perfect? Are you a clean freak? Does it bother you if all the laundry doesn’t get done by a certain point in the week? Do you make home-cooked meals seven nights a week? Do you strive for a level of perfection in your home that eats you up? If so, maybe work on letting some of that go. Work on being okay with less-than-perfect, and use some of the time you formerly spent striving for perfect on yourself instead. Let one room go without cleaning every week. Schedule a non-cooking night each week, where dinner is pizza or Subway.
Can you write yourself in? Do you keep a family calendar? If so, can you find a way to write yourself into the schedule a few times a week? Shoot for 15 minutes to start with if that’s all you can manage, and work up to carving out an hour for yourself, longer on weekends. Note: it will be best if this time isn’t after bedtime (unless you have littles who are in bed by 7 p.m.), or you might find yourself falling asleep instead of enjoying your Me Time.
Can you find a Me Time partner? Committing time to a friend or neighbor (to walk, work out, or just go to a coffee shop together) can help you schedule time and then stick to it, because you’re making a commitment to someone else (note that this doesn’t work if the other person has the tendency to bail, though).
Can you invest some hard-earned dollars in yourself? For some of us, it takes spending money (and the drive not to waste that money) to get us to commit to Me Time. Can you join a gym? Sign up for a series of classes at a yoga, Pilates, or Barre3 studio? Get yourself a series of services at a local spa that you have to use? What kind of Me Time can you purchase?
If you’re a burned out mom desperately in need of Me Time, I hope you can say “yes” to one or more of these questions, and then find a way to put your answer into practice. And remember – no guilt!
Blessings,
