How to Find the Church that’s Right for You

Trying to find the right church is like swimsuit shopping. There are too many options. You think one style will look good, but you’re never 100 percent sure, so you feel like you should probably try on everything, which is exhausting and takes far longer than you were planning on. One looks good on top, but the bottoms just don’t fit quite right. With another, it’s the opposite. The style you like best is the wrong color. And on and on it goes.

We’ve been in Virginia for over a year now, and we’re still churchless. We didn’t intend for it to be this way. Finding a church was one of the top priorities on my “Things to Do as Soon as We Move” list. I admit we didn’t try very hard during those first few months – the initial priority was finding a permanent place to live. When we hadn’t found a church by January, I made it one of my resolutions. That didn’t help a whole lot, either, as getting to church meant dealing with L skipping her morning nap, and for a long time, it felt more important to have a well-rested child than to be visiting churches on Sunday morning. But recently we got some news. Our lifeline – E’s brother and his family – is leaving us for a job opportunity in Europe next summer. They’ll be gone for at least a couple of years. Suddenly, it became crystal clear: we need to get serious about finding a church because eight months from now, we’ll have no community at all.

The best place I know to find community is the local church. But there’s a caveat that comes with this, which is the simple fact that finding a church doesn’t mean instant community. Even if we find a church, join a small group, and take advantage of as many opportunities to meet people as we can, building relationships takes time.

When I relocated in the past, I quickly made friends at work, and I always had a few friends waiting in the city I was moving to. This is E’s first time moving away from his childhood home, so he’s never had to do this before. All of his friends back in Grand Rapids are childhood friends and colleagues from his previous job of 12 years. The other students in his graduate program are single and childless, which doesn’t make finding common ground on a personal level very easy. And for the past year, busy with school, work, a baby and just trying to get used to a new area of the country and its subculture, our little family community has been enough.

We’ve never been in a situation where we had to make such a conscious effort to get out and find community or to find a church that fits us. But here we are. So how do we go about it?

First, let me say I’ve been really lucky in this area in the past, because I’ve been part of two phenomenal churches (I’ll just call them Church A and Church B) that felt 100 percent right for me. They were very different from each other, but I thrived in both of them. However, since leaving Chicago in 2008, those wonderful church experiences have actually been a deterrent to settling in at a new local church, because my experiences have caused me to have expectations about what my church ought to look like. Do you sense some entitlement here? Yeah, me too. Unfortunately, both Church A and Church B were places I didn’t have to search for. They just sort of happened. Someone invited me to church, I went, and I stayed. It was as simple as that. But unfortunately, it’s not always going to be that simple.

The most challenging part of “church shopping” is that those expectations I mentioned above can easily get in the way. In our minds, if not written down anywhere, there’s probably a checklist of “must-haves,” and we may as well just admit it. We want a certain kind of worship experience. A certain kind of communion experience. We want a small group ministry that looks a certain way. A specific kind of program for our kid(s). A weekly message that resonates with us. A certain level of warmth from the church staff and the other attendees. We want all our preferences wrapped up in one neat package.

Of the handful of churches we’ve visited since moving here, none have felt quite right, but none have been glaringly wrong, either. By this, I mean we haven’t encountered any unsound theology. We visited a church last Sunday that felt almost right. The worship was fantastic. The communion service was reverent. The message was meaningful. It wasn’t perfect; there were a few little things that didn’t jive for us, but they were small things. And yet I was dissatisfied.

On the way home, I tried to take a deeper look at myself, to ask what could possibly be going on that none of these perfectly acceptable churches we’d visited was good enough for me. The truth is, I’ve been looking for Church A or Church B, when what I really should be looking for is Church C. As long as I’m fixated on finding Church A or Church B, I’m risking missing out on what God has for me at Church C. Church A and Church B are knowns. Church C is an unknown. But finding Church C might not be about finding what I want, being able to check off every item on my list of nit-picky expectations. It might be about asking God what he has planned. Until I manage to do that, we’ll probably continue to be churchless.

Here are my thoughts on how to find the right church. They’re humbly offered. I hope they read that way because the person I’m really talking to here is myself, and this girl, she sure needs some grace.

Check your expectations at the door. Sure, it’s important that your fundamental beliefs are in alignment with what the church practices. But everything else is gravy. So do your best to leave that checklist – mental or otherwise – behind when you leave home.

Give a church a chance. One visit doth not a true impression provide. Give it three or four visits before you decide a church is a no-go (unless there’s a strong theological difference that’s apparent right away). Churches are made up of people, and just like people, they deserve more than one opportunity to interact with you before you decide they’re absolutely not someone you would hang out with.

Make it a point to meet a few people. If they have some kind of newcomer’s reception, stick around for it on the second or third visit. It should give you a feel for the community climate and the “lay leadership.” You’ll know right away if they’re “marketing” for new members or truly interested in welcoming new folks. Also, if you have the moxie, introduce yourself to someone after the service. Tell them you’re visiting, ask if they’re a regular, and if they are, ask if they’d be willing to tell you what they like about the church. Chances are, they’ll give you a pretty good picture of things from their perspective. And if they’re friendly and welcoming, that’s a good sign. Some people get offended if they visit a church and no one notices them, but some churches have a very low-pressure approach to visitors. Don’t make assumptions – be the one to make a connection.

Ask God to show you where he wants you. Pray. It’s as simple as that. God has a place for you – he might actually have multiple options, and you just need to pick one, because truthfully, he can grow us anywhere. He’s God. But if you really want his direction (and his direction is usually better than our own compasses), then ask. He’ll find a way to show you.