On Why My Husband Doesn’t “Let” Me Do Anything, or How to Have an Amicable Marriage

A year or so ago, a group of my friends from all over the U.S. were discussing plans (or the lack thereof) to attend an event in Texas at the home of an author we all love. There ended up being a number of Facebook threads on the topic, with repeated comments that looked like this:

“I don’t think my husband will let me go.”

That little three-letter word, let, got to me.

There was a lot of pain in those lets. A lot of woundedness. Because those lets were concealing some other beliefs these lovely women were carrying around about themselves. Heavy beliefs, like:

“My husband doesn’t think my personal and spiritual growth are worth spending money on.”

“I’m not an equal partner in my marriage. I feel second-class.”

“What I contribute to my family as a stay-at-home wife and mom isn’t enough.”

Maybe it’s because E and I didn’t meet until we were in our early thirties, and by that time I had a well-established career, or maybe it’s because I supported us after we got married while E went to grad school full-time, but I just don’t think I’ll ever feel the burden of the let. I have a pretty healthy sense of entitlement to the pursuit of my passions.

Don’t misunderstand me here: it’s not like my marriage is a free-for-all in the areas of time and finances. E and I discuss all major expenditures together, talk about our needs (especially those that cost money or mean time away from home, like dirt-biking and travel and conferences), and work to come to agreement about how those needs are going to be met. But we support each other in our passions. Basically, we each want the other to be happy and fulfilled personally, so that we are happy in our marriage. Therefore, we’re willing to sacrifice to give each other time and opportunity to pursue our respective passions. Now, it’s not always a case of instant gratification; sometimes we have to plan and save and put off–but there’s no let involved. I have permission to love writing and conferences and entrepreneurship. E has permission to love dirt-biking and hunting and off-roading. We both have permission to need friendships, the nurturing of which may take us away from home at times.

To those of you who are caught up in the let, I want to encourage you that as a woman, as a wife and perhaps a mother, as a person, you have been given (by God, no less–see Romans 12:6-8) passions and gifts and talents, and you should be able to pursue those within reason, within the context of marriage and family life. If you aren’t able to do so, if the let is a continual roadblock to your fulfillment, may I encourage you to have a heart-to-heart with your spouse, to ask if together, the two of you can brainstorm ways to meet your mutual needs? And if you’re stonewalled when you try to have that discussion, may I suggest that a good marriage counselor might be able to help?

There’s a funny old saying that goes, “Happy wife, happy life.” Sounds silly and cliche, I know, but like all cliches, there’s truth in it. This is why God designed marriage as a situation wherein we honor each other (Ephesians 5:21). It’s not a one-way street. Some guys seem to know this instinctively and will do everything they can to support their wives in finding personal fulfillment. Some guys still need to learn this. (And to be fair, as wives, we ought to ask ourselves if we are supporting our husbands in their gifts and passions the same way we want them to support us in ours. If not, we might need to do a heart check).

There are too many women who see themselves as not enough.

There are too many women who feel less than.

Some of these feelings come from unfulfilled passions and dreams, unmet needs for things that exist outside of wife-ing and mothering. Marriage and family don’t mean we stop being who God designed us to be. It may be harder to pursue our passions with gusto in some seasons, like the years of newborns and diapers, but we don’t need to feel like we have to shut off the passion valve completely.

Our passions don’t have to be in conflict with our marriages, with our children, with our households. If we are struggling with the let, we need to do something about that now, before we are so miserable and so unfulfilled that we begin to shut down, before we start to feel unloving and even resentful. And if we’re already there, then we need to put ‘er in reverse and ask God to help us find our way back to ourselves and to a marriage that supports those selves.