On Balance, Burnout, and Boundaries

I’m sitting in my brand-new local Panera Bread (which has an outlet in every single booth, praise Jesus) writing this. I have a pile of books, my Moleskine notebook of the moment, my laptop, and a big iced tea (unsweetened – the South hasn’t got me yet). Most importantly, I have time. Hours of it. Not many, but a few. Enough to do something.

The scary thing is, I almost didn’t. I am so overloaded at work right now that it’s become really hard to leave my desk and take advantage of our Friday summer afternoons off. Today, the clock approached 1 p.m. almost without me realizing it. But at 1:02, I resolutely turned my back on my computer, my To Do list, and my ever-exploding email inbox, and walked out the door. Out of the house. Away from it all. I knew I had to.

Because I am way, way out of balance.

I need balance. I need creative time. I need Sabbath time. I need long walks and good books and time to scribble in my journal. All of this has been really hard to achieve during my current pregnancy (we’re at 27 weeks here). I was doing really well for a long time, getting up at 5 a.m. every day to read and write, but then I got pregnant and I suddenly needed more sleep. A lot more. Sometimes two naps a day plus eight hours a night. During the past few weeks, I seem to have finally gotten past the need for naps, but now I’m struggling with nighttime sleep. I have a sizable belly and pelvic muscles that scream every time I roll over and a bladder that wakes me up every two hours all night long (I know, TMI). Quality sleep is elusive. Time for self-care is even more so.

But now that my workload is burgeoning on unmanageable, I need the time even more. And it’s even harder to get it.

I read an article in Forbes this week on signs of burnout. It was rather eye-opening. I don’t have all of the symptoms, but more than half. That scares me. And the thing is, there’s nothing I can do about it from a practical standpoint. I just have to make it through this busy season. And I will – just in time to birth my second child around the first of November. Thank God for maternity leave. Granted, that will come with its own form of exhaustion, but the source will at least be refreshingly different.

All this to say, I’m not going down without a fight. I’m scheduling time on my calendar almost daily to take a lunch hour, during which I head to the nearby mall where I walk and listen to a podcast, setting my mind and body free from work-related stresses. I’ve gone back to setting my timer to go off every 30-60 minutes during the workday to remind me to leave my desk, do some yoga stretches, get a glass of water or a snack, or do a quick household chore (it’s amazing how bending and stretching via a simple housework task loosens me up). I’m trying to keep Friday afternoons sacred to time out of the house, usually at Panera where I can eat a cookie and let my creative juices flow. I’m making time to read first thing in the morning, even if I don’t get up before L (we snuggle in my bed, and she watches Curious George while I sneak in a devotional and a chapter of something encouraging). And I’m trying to keep Sundays chore-free. No grocery shopping, no cleaning, no laundry.

None of it is easy. Every week, at least one day is a full-on failure.

But I’m learning that’s how life is–an unending stream of restarts. When I fall down, I take a breath, take a break if I need it, and start again.  I’ve come to understand that if I wait for January first to start over, I’ll never get anywhere. I’ve also come to understand that I have to give myself grace in the falling down.

And then, there are boundaries. I just finished Sarah Mae’s The Unwired Mom and Jessica Turner’s The Fringe Hours, and now I’m reading Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford. These books, along with a host of articles floating around online right now, are making me realize that I have become way, way too connected to my job after hours (mostly via my smart phone).  On top of that, I am way too deeply attached to my phone in general – to the point where it feels like a tether. A sermon I listed to just last week on the importance of rest and separation from work cited a lawsuit against Verizon because contractors were getting emails after hours – and being expected to answer them. “Yikes,” I thought. “That’s me!” I get emails from colleagues – which are accessible via my phone – at all hours of the day and night, seven days a week. As I thought about it, I realized that the problem resides not only in the emails themselves but in the fact that I always feel obligated to at least read them, and often to respond to them right away. Even if it’s 11 p.m. on a Sunday night. On top of that, I have a hard time resisting social media, which is so easily accessible via my phone, and I tend to waste precious time on it – time I could be reading or scribbling in my journal (if I’m alone), or interacting with my family.

I’ve been asking myself, “Why do I feel so obligated to my phone? Why do I feel compelled to respond to emails and social media notifications? Why is it so easy to waste time playing stupid games?”

I remember when smart phones first appeared on the market. It was so exciting to be able to access the Internet anytime, anywhere. It was fun. It was fresh.

Now, it mostly feels like a burden.

So I made a few changes. I turned off all phone notifications for my work email account. This way, I am in control. If I need to check my work email account, I can, but I have to be deliberate about it. I’m no longer being bombarded at all hours. I also turned off all social media notifications, so I don’t feel compelled to respond to every comment and post right away. Finally, I deleted all games from my phone. When I’m waiting at the doctor’s office or in line at the post office, I pull out my Kindle or latest paperback instead and read a page or two. All of this makes my brain feel better, my stress level feel lower.

I’m considering turning off my phone on Sunday, just to get away from it altogether. I’m already doing better at leaving my phone in the bedroom during dinner and family time in the evenings, so it’s out of sight and I’m not compelled to pick it up and look at it continually.

All of this is a process. I just know that what I want – and what God wants for me – is authentic living. Deep living. Present living. I’m happy to give my job 110% during business hours, but I don’t feel healthy when I allow it to intrude on my personal and family time to the degree that I was. I love the convenience my smart phone offers, but I don’t feel healthy when I allow it to dictate my actions or take time away from the things that really matter. My technology was keeping me from living authentically, deeply, and fully present. So no more.

How about you? How is your balance? Your burnout level? How are your boundaries with work and social media and other technology time sucks?